What many do not realize about me (myself included) is that I am a tremendous fan of live theatre! So much so that I will intentionally misspell the word in order to gain Pretention Fun Bucks™.

There is nothing like live performance in its purest form: YouTube prank videos performed by attention-starved sociopaths. Second to that is live theatre. And sure, one could spend hundreds, or even tens, of dollars on tickets to watch a play performed by seasoned professionals. As if THAT is live theatre! A purist like me needs a more visceral, raw, and real theatre experience…

The kind you can EXCLUSIVELY find in Elementary School drama productions.

After scouring the state (and being chased out of Eminence, Kentucky with pitchforks and torches for calling the lead in Seussical a twatwaffle) I am willing to unleash upon you, the uneducated philistines that I adore, some of my finest reviews of Elementary School drama productions across the state.

You’re welcome.

OKLAHOMA!

INDIAN CREEK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – Trafalgar, IN

I was hoping for a radical deconstruction of the play as per Daniel Fish’s production at the Fisher Center at Bard in 2015, or at the very least a minimalist approach like David Cromer’s amazing off-Broadway production of Our Town in 2009. But alas, no. Mr. Fred Dillingsworth, the school’s drama teacher, is too much of a slavish pedant to strike new ground on this terribly weathered pander to heteronormative, white audiences.

The original Rogers and Hammerstein play was itself adapted from another play called “Green Grow the Lilacs” by Lynn Riggs. Adaptation is a polite word for plagurization and represents perfectly the dearth of ideas from Rogers and Hammerstein in this period of their careers.

Jimmy Garson (8), who plays Curly in this production, struts onstage like a little peacock while warbling “Oh, What A Beautiful Mornin’ in a passable alto. The charcoal smudged across his face to indicate that our hero should have at least started puberty before hitting the stage is already pooling off of his face and onto his collar. The leather chaps he’s wearing isn’t even real leather!

At the other end of the stage, Larissa Dollarhyde (9), who is playing Aunt Eller, is setting up Capri Suns and is acting like she’s making corn bread. This is a generous interpretation of her actions on stage. “Wresting a cobra in a bowl while knocking over everything she just set up like an epileptic with a sneezing fit” is probably more accurate, although perhaps a little unkind.

The music, disappointingly, was provided by a CD. Couldn’t they even try to knock together a twenty piece orchestra? How can I take this performance seriously if the drama department isn’t willing to train up professional musicians to take on the herculean task of bringing this dead play back to life?

And lets be frank about their actor problem. Jimmy Garson is a mediocre Curly. The character is written as a handsome, humorous, and affable fellow. But Jimmy’s interpretation leaves a lot of that behind. He tells jokes he obviously doesn’t get, doesn’t appear to want to be touched by any of the girls, and started crying while singing “The Surrey with the Fringe on Top.”

On the other hand, Jenny McCork’s (7) performance as Ado Annie Carnes lit up the stage, although while she was singing “I Cain’t Say No” I was expecting the police to barge in at any moment.

Rebecca Jones (9) is a passible Laurey who is obviously far more into herself than any of the cast members. Larissa Dollarhyde’s Aunt Eller is fine and I anticipate the birth of a fine character actress, albeit one with disturbingly large knees. Kenny Martinez (8) was fine as Will Parker if you can suspend a herculean amount of disbelief, but Herbert Millers (7) as Jud Fry… here is where I question Mr. Dillingsworth’s sanity.

Why would anyone cast a shrimpy little kid as the physically menacing antagonist Jud Fry? Herbert Millers is a good head shorter than Jimmy Garson’s Curly, and it looks like he could be knocked over by someone turning on the air conditioning. This isn’t a source of menacing tension intervening in the luke-warm love between Curly and Laurie! This is a source of lunch money from bullies!

I was relieved to see they restored the Broadway version of the lyrics to “Kansas City” as it felt like a rare moment of realism to listen to Kenny Martinez’ Will Parker enthuse about the whores he met during his trip to that fabled metropolis.

The play went on like every production of OKLAHOMA! goes on, wearing out its welcome by the first act. Towards the end, the play takes on the form of an inescapable ritual that everyone is compelled through evil magic to sit through while you feel the ticking of the seconds hand poke you in the back of the head like an unexpected monkey humping your skull.

WAITING FOR GODOT

MCKINLEY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – South Bend, IN

Ms. Shelley Dobson, drama school teacher, came up with what I believe was an inspired solution to the typical problem of having a large number of students who want to act, but having only two or three who actually can. Although there are only a limited amount of roles, there’s an almost limitless need for backdrops and stage elements.

This year’s production of “Waiting For Godot,” a famously three-actor play, was perhaps overcrowded by the casting of thirty-seven students as background elements like rocks, trees, moss, and a definitely over-babbling brook.

On one level, this could be interpreted as a masterclass in irony, taking a play where the titled character never shows up and overpopulating it with immobile children. On the other hand, this may be more necessity than vision since ticket sales are driven by the amount of the kids in the play. I suspect filthy lucre is more to blame than inspiration, and so I am grading accordingly.

Beckett specifically wrote the play about the human condition in such an abstract way that it transcended race or creed, which were two things he could ignore as a hetero white male in the 1950s. It’s easy to be “colorblind” when you don’t have any color. It may be credit to Ms. Dobson’s vision that two of the tramps were girls, which is definitely a break from the usual Sam Beckett sausage party.

Trica McMullen’s (9) interpretation of Vladimir left a lot of subtlety at the stage entrance. Apparently, she is utterly unable to communicate in anything lower than a high-pitched scream, so a lot of the soft edges of the writing was wrecked in the performance. Juile Brown’s (10) Estragon was far better, although limited by her soft voice. Again, in the hands of a genius this could be interpreted as a core conflict between Vladimir and Estragon: opposing volumes of communication. But I think I am placing too much credit here on the abilities of the actors and the director.

When Pozzo (Gil Girard – 8) enters it is a relief. I don’t know if it was the intention of casting the ugliest kid I have ever seen in my life as Pozzo, but it was inspired! The conservatives should hire out this kid as an aid for celibacy. This kid’s face is going to stop sex wherever he goes!

The Big Tree (Amanda Polozza – 10) was remarkably stable. Type casting was obviously employed here, as Amanda is one of the tallest kids to exist. Big Rock 1 (Trevor Amble – 8) was obviously prepared for this role, as were all the smaller rocks (Frank Pine – 8, Teresa Means – 8, Harvey Fell – 7, Grenda Munchen – 9, Helm Hammerhand – 9, and Giselle Trundel – 7). The collection of moss laying around the stage (Harold Weems – 7, Michale Humbard – 6, Fred Robertson – 7, Mike Harbon – 9, Justin Smith – 6, Mabel Thompson – 7, Christina Marmeluke – 6, Gertude Jones – 8, Millicent Rooseveldt – 6, Arthur Spum – 8, Gestart Splunk – 7, Armand Assantewantabe – 7, Emily Spunk – 6, Spanky LaRue – 7, Frankie Lunge – 6, Big N Tall Paul – 9, Harold Land – 7, Hideo DotCom – 7, Larissa Pume – 6, Gina Robust – 6, Brian Youtube – 10, Chique Magnet – 6, Bobby Biro – 6, Hansen McLauren – 5, Vince Porno – 7, Robin Heark – 8, and Greta Gobbles – 7) was thankfully quiet and utterly still, the way all children should be at all times!

The star of the show was Romain Cheddar, age 9, as the cloud.

On the other hand, whoever cast Trudy Mehndelsen (10) as the babbling brook needs to be shot. Out of a cannon. At Trudy Mehndelsen. Trudy apparently took her role VERY seriously and was perhaps employing method acting as she was mumbling the word “babble” in the background throughout the entire play.

EQUUS

EASTWOOD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL – New Castle, IN

Mr. Ronald Sleezy, drama department head, needs to be kidnapped and taken to The Hague for his crimes against theatre.