This dialogue is taken from secret recordings made at THE CONTINENTAL HOTEL as per High Table policy.

CONNOR: I want… no… I NEED Hanuman dead! NOW! Get me…. Hmmmm… get me… THE TWINS!

CERBERUS: The… TWINS, sir?

CONNOR: Yes, Cerebus… the TWINS!

CERBERUS: Are you certain of this, sir?

CONNOR: Are you questioning me on this, Cerebus? I know, the TWINS can be a little messy and freaky, but I want to send out a message to everyone not to FUCK with CONNOR O’CONNOR!

CERBERUS: Well… yes sir… I mean I understand the need to send out a message, but…

CONNOR: Out with it, Cerebus! What is the problem?

CERBERUS: It’s “Cerberus”, sir…

CONNOR: What?

CERBERUS: Never mind, sir…. I do beg your pardon. But there is something that has been on my mind.

CONNOR: What’s the issue. Cerebus?

CERBERUS: Well, you talk of sending a message… but how loud does this message have to be?

CONNOR: You think THE TWINS are too ghoulish and messy? I want Hanuman to PAY!

CERBERUS: Not too… ghoulish and messy, as you say, sir. I do understand and agree with your need to send a message. It’s just, as your assistant my job is to give you options, and I think…

CONNOR: The TWINS will make too quick a job of it? I want him to suffer… no, I NEED him to suffer!

CERBERUS: Not so, sir.

CONNOR: Do you not like THE TWINS? They speak most highly of you.

CERBERUS: I find that very gratifying, sir. No, I think The TWINS are fine people. It’s just…

CONNOR: You’re afraid they’re going to make too public a job of it and alert the authorities? No fears, my friend! We have the authorities in the palm of our…

CERBERUS: If I may, sir…

CONNOR: Please…?

CERBERUS: They are a little… flashy, if you take my meaning, sir.

CONNOR: What?

CERBERUS: Well, they are very… memorable people, sir. They are both six foot four… the man and the woman… bone white and rail thin with all black clothing, black hair in a matching pageboy cut, bulging eyes, and no care whether or not they hide their weapons.

CONNOR: Exactly! That’s what makes them perfect for the job! I want Hanuman shitting in his pants when he sees them! I want terror to stalk him in his final moments as he…

CERBERUS: Precisely the problem, sir. He will see them coming a mile away.

CONNOR: Exactly! He will know the moment his doom encompasses him!

CERBERUS: Hanuman, as I recall, is an assassin himself. Am I remembering correctly?

CONNOR: Yes, Cerebus. A little before your time, perhaps…

CERBERUS: One of our best, I believe.

CONNOR: Yes, the traitor was once my top assassin, but now… now he must PAY for what he did!

CERBERUS: Indubitably, sir. But if he is able to see our assassins coming a mile away, is he likely to tremble placidly while they kill him? Or is it more likely that he will set up a trap.

CONNOR: I am not getting…

CERBERUS: The TWINS stand out in a crowd, and Hanuman is a competent fellow. Otherwise, he would not be able to cause such… inconveniences, sir. They would be sitting ducks, if I may be so bold, sir.

CONNOR: Well, what do you suggest. Cerebus?

CERBERUS: Perhaps someone a little less… conspicuous?

CONNOR: I mean, I kind of had my heart set on THE TWINS. I love how freaky they are!

CERBERUS: They are, as you say, quite freaky, sir. But perhaps something a little more like an ambush than sending out a pair of people who tend to draw attention wherever they go.

CONNOR: How about… THE FRENCHMAN!

CERBERUS: The… FRENCHMAN, sir?

CONNOR: Yes! THE FRENCHMAN will complete this job for me.

CERBERUS: Sir? There’s just…

CONNOR: What is it?

CERBERUS: The FRENCHMAN is currently under house arrest. He’s wearing an ankle monitor.

CONNOR: What?! What happened?

CERBERUS: He drew attention to himself on the last assassination attempt. He was lingering in a crowd wearing a striped shirt, a red kerchief, a black beret, a pencil thin moustache, and holding a Barret M82 Sniper Rifle poorly disguised as a five foot long baguette. The barrel was sticking out a good five inches out of the bread.

CONNOR: And the police noticed?

CERBERUS: He was arrested for suspicious behavior, loitering, carrying an unlicensed weapon, and resisting arrest.

CONNOR: Shit!

CERBERUS: I am sorry, sir, I thought you knew.

CONNOR: What about… THE BALLERINA? Yes! THE BALLERINA!

CERBERUS: The… BALLERINA, sir?

CONNOR: Come on, what’s the problem with THE BALLERINA?

CERBERUS: Also arrested on a job, sir.

CONNOR: What the fuck?!

CERBERUS: The BALLERINA is a cross-dressing man wearing a ballerina outfit, green makeup, and was caught carrying a .500 Smith and Wesson Magnum in a public park. It was all over the news. Ballerina outfits are notoriously without pockets so he just open carried in a city with no open carry laws, sir.

CONNOR: That’s bullshit!

CERBERUS: I, alas, have no experiential opinion as to whether or not ballerina outfits need pockets, sir.

CONNOR: Well, fuck… do we have anyone?

CERBERUS: There are still many people under our employ who would be thankful for the work, sir. But…

CONNOR: What but?

CERBERUS: They are all, shall we say, a little over stylized.

CONNOR: …. Go on.

CERBERUS: A few come to mind, sir. TRAPEZIUS is an assassin who has a predilection to dressing up an a historically inaccurate Roman legionnaire costume, swinging into the target’s location, and shooting them with a MAC 10. Again, no pockets. And he likes to set up his “trapeze” ahead of time, which is a bit of a giveaway, sir. THE BLUE WIDOW likes to dress up in a yellow Nun’s habit with a large blue skull on the front and has a preference for anti-tank weapons, which are notoriously difficult to conceal. HAPPY SPECIAL BOY is a six foot, seven inch albino who dresses in children’s clothes from the 1890s that are far too small for him. He has been arrested before for indecent exposure while in a Circle K. He prefers to dual wield 1 ¼ inch Bore Breech-Loading Punt Guns, which, of course, are too large to conceal.  These are just a few examples.

CONNOR: I think I see the problem.

CERBERUS: Yes, sir. I was hoping you would.

CONNOR: They need pockets.

CERBERUS: Sir?

CONNOR: These assassins… they all need pockets. Some way to hide their guns.

CERBERUS: Sir, I am not sure if you are…

CONNOR: You said it yourself… there’s no way to conceal their weapons. As much as I DESPISE Hanuman with all of my seething rage, he is a competent assassin. I can see how he would spot these large weapons a mile away.

CERBERUS: If I may be so bold, sir…

CONNOR: …. Go on.

CERBERUS: The weapons are only a symptom of the larger issue. This… may be uncomfortable to hear, sir.

CONNOR: It’s okay, Cerebus… I encourage honesty with you.

CERBERUS: I have noticed, sir, a trend since your takeover of our institution towards hiring assassins of a… colorful nature, sir.

CONNOR: Colorful?

CERBERUS: Yes, sir.

CONNOR: I hold no racial, gender, or sexual prejudices, Cerebus. I mean after all, you’re…

CERBERUS: Yes, sir. But that is not what I meant.

CONNOR: ….go on.

CERBERUS: These assassins you have brought into the organization are, well, I would scarcely call them professionals.

CONNOR: My employees have murdered hundreds of people!

CERBERUS: Yes, sir. There is no questioning their devotion towards your organization and their ability to kill. If I may be so bold, sir, I question their basic abilities as assassins.

CONNOR: That’s… that’s a potentially hurtful thing to say about them, Cerebus. I would hate to get HR involved.

CERBERUS: I understand, sir. Perhaps allow me to explain my thought?

CONNOR: … go on.

CERBERUS: What any organization wants out of an assassin is silence and subtlety. One typically doesn’t want to give the target a chance to get away, because that only attracts more attention.

CONNOR: … go on.

CERBERUS: I am afraid that all of the assassins we have left are too thematically true to a concept they came up with, sir. Concepts that in no way enhance their abilities as secret assassins working for a secret organization like ours, sir. In fact, most of the concepts are detrimental to their performance, sir.

CONNOR: Even BABYFACE?

CERBERUS: BABYFACE is a 310 pound bald man in his middle 50s who dresses up in a diaper and bib and likes to assassinate his targets using a five foot long Scottish Claymore.

CONNOR: I see… back to the no pockets problem.

CERBERUS: Not quite, sir. He, like all the rest, tend to draw a lot of attention to themselves before they get even close to their target, sir. I am afraid this is the same problem we have with all of the assassins currently in our employ.

CONNOR: So you think Hanuman will be able to detect our assassins no matter how sneaky they try to be.

CERBERUS: The problem, sir, is I don’t think they try to be sneaky at all. They just burst into wherever they think the target is hiding and wreck noisy havoc whether the target is there or not. For instance, The TWINS…

CONNOR: Oh, not the poor TWINS again, Cerebus. They like you!

CERBERUS: And I am most gratified, sir. But on one of their hunts last year, searching for… I believe the name was Sandra Bollinger… they burst into a Quinceanera for a 16 year old girl and put twelve people in the hospital, sir.

CONNOR: I see…

CERBERUS: And the target wasn’t even there. She was in the hospital getting her appendix removed.

CONNOR: I see…

CERBERUS: Which, for a professional assassin with less to “prove”, would have been a layup, if you don’t mind me saying, sir.

CONNOR: I think I see your point.

CERBERUS: I mean, sir, that although we do own the authorities in this city, each infraction costs our organization money, with bribes and hush money being doled out to the police and any witnesses. And our hush money program is… perhaps too generous, sir. It’s the biggest reason we haven’t been shut down years before. But each infraction has a monetary cost, sir. And at the very least as a cost saving measure, maybe would be perhaps a shade more subtle.

CONNOR: I see what you are saying, Cerebus. And I have made a decision.

CERBERUS: Glad to hear, sir.

CONNOR: I need you to get R&D on the phone. Have them work with our assassins on how to add pockets to their costumes. And I’ll send out a memo asking them be to a little more circumspect. That’ll be all, Cerebus.

CERBERUS: …. Yes, sir.