INTENTION: This is not a Magickal document, but this is a series about Magick, Psychology, Love, Connection, and Difficulties. This is my mind, so used to battle and struggle, having to FINALLY accept beauty and love unconditionally. I am currently exploring this new territory.

NEW MOON

Here is where I have failed.

In this life’s experience, I am a bridge builder. Autism, an abusive beginning, and other factors created a separation between me and the humans I am surrounded by. I could not relate to any of the people around me, adults or kids.

Mind you, I was in elementary school in the late 1970s, so many of my teachers (and my Mom especially) thought that my problem was Demonic possession. I was the center of many “back alley” Exorcisms.

I was six at the time.

I didn’t see anyone around me who could or would understand what I was saying and experiencing. And since no one was trying (especially my parents), I decided that if I want to communicate with anyone around me, I need to build the bridges myself.

And I did. As a child with no mentor or parental figure I was not terrified of, I improvised. I thought “words might be the issue… let’s learn some!” I had read the dictionary cover to cover multiple times. I learned that long and complex words made people uncomfortable despite my love for them, so I adjusted.

I was nine at the time.

But words were not the answer to this puzzle, so I played with the musicality of words. I discovered that people were uncomfortable with my Autistic neutral or flat tone. So, I played with my voice to learn how to make inflections. I would see success, and then build on that success with other experiments.

I was eleven at the time.

Humor was fruitful. It turned out to be a great way to hide that separation I felt from others. I devoured humor. I read the “New Yorker,” joke books, anything I could use to develop wit since it was another masking tool. Early tests were unfruitful until I started to consider the audience. Then I would tailor make the responses for that group of people.

I was fourteen at the time. My mask was nearly complete.

This is what I was used to, and once my tools were together, this is how I would build bridges to others. I had already given up on the idea that anyone would understand me and my inner experience and it was highly unlikely that anyone would want to make the attempt. But I always found it very easy to understand the people around me. Since I was the one gifted in weaving attachment out of nothing and I felt like I was the only person wanting to try, it was dependent on me to build.

Here is the problem with building these connections. The connections I built to others were always strong and well designed. But since only I created it, the bridge extended outwards from me to them. But only VERY rarely was it from them to me. I see now that this created further isolation. I was alone with the people I loved the most.

I took solace in this. I am a Shaman. Shaman are not only solitary – they are uncanny people and their place is never within the village. It is always on the outskirts. And I was in the outskirts my whole life. My Magick developed from my teacher Tricia into a solitary practice. I created my home and worked my Magick on the outskirts. And so it went for my relationships. Even with my poly relationships, I lived separately from them, sometimes at great distances.

I was comfortable. I worked on my own healing through Therapy and Magick. The bridges I built to others were strong, and I let selected people go deep into me. But never to the core, because I had a firewall in me.

A key to my growth is keeping the kernel of innocence somewhere deep in my core. This is one reason why I still blush when kissed on the cheek. I knew that this “Holy of Holies” in me was mine alone, and other fingerprints might mar it, or worse. The bridges were secure, I was secure, and external people were deep in my trust, but I kept the core of me to myself.

In other words, I was living under a suffocating rock.

Many times, when building the connection to the people I really liked, I saw each step as a delicate matter. When you are seer, you know the difficulties of beginnings. They can be so fragile.

PERMUTATIONS

Part of my version of “The Sight” is easily seeing permutations and changes beginning from the smallest actions. Tracing the threads of the past into the distance. When I was the most clear, I could choose permutations among the thousands and more splits into alternatives and decide which one would be best for the situation. I could see the ends of my decisions sometimes years ahead.

I saw multiple paths ahead of me when building these bridges. My intuition and wisdom guided me, and showed me the paths to take and to avoid. It would warn me of “choke points”, in which the possible and potential conversational narratives narrowed down to maybe one or two choices. I called it “threading the needle.”

To this day, I always know the right thing to say to someone who is making their way through pain and fear. I know where to apply the colors of emotion. I am still the Shaman and I still see the Permutations.

FULL MOON

As a lifelong bridge builder, what do I do if there is no bridge to build? If it turns out THE Connection was created LONG before this incarnation’s memory?

What do I do when there is no thread or needle? When the choke points are not there at all. When being used to navigating on the wildest rivers, how do I live in the ocean?

This connection skill I developed for over forty years… what do I do when it is not only not needed, but is in fact a hindrance?

Since October 23rd, I have had to realize that my masks, my buildings, my desire to just get someone to freaking understand me for a change, were not needed for THE Connection. That the more I explained, the more I saw that I don’t need to explain anything and the weaker my words felt. My words are powerful spells, and here they are meaningless.

Words will forever swirl around THE Connection, but never really land the way I am used to. It turns out some things are word proof.

Because here I am no longer using Magick. I AM Magick.

I do not need to translate my experiences into words so that My Partner understands. I don’t need to simplify myself or smooth my edges for easier swallowing by the people I love.

I am, for the first time ever in this incarnation, naked. As one who clothes themselves in hues, power, intelligence, wit, beauty, and wisdom, the time has come to ask myself: “who am I, this naked being?”

What was the core of me again?

I have kept the core of me from everyone, including myself. When you mask for too long, you forget where the mask ends and you begin. I don’t need to fix this mask. It is not a time for reconstruction, for there is no reason for construction to begin with now. I am not Robert De Bruce’s cave spider where I have to re-weave my web after the wind blows it away.

I, so very careful and fastidious about what I do and say, don’t need to be careful. I don’t need to weave, dance, ensorcell, glamour, explain, or scry the future for potential catastrophes. My divination, of which I am so able, has no bearing in this EVERDREAM scenario where time doesn’t matter. There is no danger lurking, no situations I need to be vigilant for, and no place for the future since all is one.

So here is my question to you:

What does a Warrior do when they enter Heaven? Where do they lay their sword and shield? When do they hang the armor that has been their only clothes for a lifetime? How do they forget lifetimes of strategies and tactics in order to exist happily in Heaven? How do they war no more when in the face of total, perfect Love?