I was watching a YouTube channel that specializes in NDEs, or Near Death Experiences. I occasionally tune in for a giggle. I mean, it’s largely the same story, except for the occasional person who remembers going to Hell. Those are the ones who I would like to talk to.

But your garden variety NDE goes like this:

Some woman “dies” on an operating table. She floats up and sees her body on the operating table. Gasp! She is surprised. Then she is whisked into the sky! She can see the whole city/town/village/rubbish tip speeding away from her as she soars into heaven!

There is a vague transition and next thing you know, she is with someone. A guide of some kind. Blissful, gorgeous, tranquil, pick your favorite analog to something lovely. There is usually a river of some kind. And then the bright white light that is so very peaceful and loving. And then lo and behold! Relatives! Dead relatives, many of whom she has never met, being so very happy that she is “there” (wherever “there” is).

So she is greeted by them and some undetermined amount of time passes. Then the guide leads her on to a special room. Inside this room, playing as if it is a realistic hologram, is her entire life in review! And they go over the good bits, and they hit the bad bits. But basically, they are playing the entire best-of/worst-of list of her entire life and giving critiques.

The something fuzzy happens and the guide announces “it is not your time!” And suddenly she is waking up in the hospital with a story to tell.

My general reaction to this story is: no thanks.

IT’S A TRAP

The thing is, if I was running Hell, this is exactly how I would do it. I wouldn’t start off with hellfire and hay forks. We have eternity! Why rush it?

I would do the whole shebang! Bright light of love, a special guide for the special soul, all of her relatives popping by for an after-death chinwag, etc. And the life review.

ESPECIALLY the life review.

This is how you nail down the torture. You play back everything. You keep in the times the soul was good because you don’t want to alarm them. Point to all the parts where the soul did something kind. But also point out all the people that soul hurt. Make sure the soul remembers everything.

Then you turn her loose to her relatives. An eternity with relatives.

To say eternity is a long time is to severely understate what we are talking about here. Take the longest amount of time you can think of. Double it, then triple it, keep multiplying over and over again. No matter how long you go, you are no nearer the end of eternity than if you just quit at one.

Yes, Hell will burn them. So why not make it a slow burn?

So, eternity with relatives. I don’t know about you, but usually my longest “relative” visit I can take is about six hours. I am ready to tap out at that point. Do the whole Midwest knee slap while sitting on the sofa, say “Welp…”, and head for the door. There are some relatives on my father’s side who, after a ten minute visit, I would be begging for oblivion. I am a clear thinker, so it doesn’t matter if the oblivion is mine or theirs.

An eternity. With relatives.

This is how Hell would start for the poor soul. Start them off thinking they “made it”, whatever version of making it means to them. Remind them of the shitty person they were in life under the disguise of a “review.” Then sick their relatives on them for an eon or two. Let emotional erosion do the softening for you. You can die in little quanta while they ramble on about how things were in “their day”. How people were friendlier, and how SOME people knew their place in society.

A day of this alone would have me begging for the penis Dis-pose-ALL^tm.

AND?

That’s the onboarding for Hell. The equivalent of the “watch this VHS tape of how our company will erase your personality” video. This isn’t even their first day at work, but it IS the first day of us working them over.

Let the realization that they are in Hell dawn on them slowly while the last bastions of their ego insist that they were a good person. I would take my time with this, savor every nanosecond. I have a whole eternity to break the consciousness of a soul until all they know is loss and woe. Why rush it? The penis Dis-pose-ALL^tm is always ready for a body part.

Yes, I am deliberately being vague about what exactly the Penis Dis-pose-ALL^tm actually is. Why do you ask?

Relatives are only phase one in a ten billion step “introduction” to Hell. Again, we have eternity to play with.

So when I see someone relate the same NDE story we’ve all heard, I cannot help but whisper to myself: way to go, Satan!