Being “Queer” is queer in the classical sense: differing from the normal or usual in a way regarded as odd or strange, suspicious, dubious, or shady. It is something that is hard to quantify, because the “Queer” experience is individual, with experiences steming from nature to nurture and all the random beauty in between.

I cannot quantify the Queer experience. I can only describe my Queer experience based on my being gender non-binary and Autistic.

It is axiomatic by now that sex is biological (e.g., hormonal) and gender is social, but what does that really mean when taken on an experiential basis? How am I queer?

MY QUEERNESS

In my own experience, I have never once felt equal to or sympathetic with the social gender norms that typically makes up a “man” or whatever maleness means. I’ve never felt that they apply to me, and I have a complete disinterest in fitting in with any gender group so that I may hide my “queerness” – to, as The Firesign Theatre puts it – “Find a bunch of guys and dress alike and follow them around.”

There has always been a sharp distance between my experiences and the “male” experiences that others have shared with me. This goes beyond a total lack of interest in sports, displays of physical prowess, and the stereotypical aspects of “manhood” as described in our society. I have long ago internally rejected the makeup of what makes a “gendered male” long before there was a phrase to describe it.

I did not do this to be a “rebel” or bravely carve out my own trail. I literally have no clue how to even begin the process of being “manly.” I may as well have tried conforming to the gender roles of a fish.

My own self-concept is largely feminine with flecks of masculinity mixed in like crystal in marble. I have always been this way, even before puberty.

My best friends have very largely been female, and I sympathize with gendered womanhood far more than I do “maleness”. I am uncomfortable in groups of men, seeing men in general as both unpredictable in violence and territorial defensiveness, and yet terribly predictable when it comes to conversations and thought processes.

I, in fact, find myself at the same time easily bored and at edge within groups of men, which is not a comfortable feeling. The company of men makes me largely wary, and I am far more likely to chose selective mutism than to extend myself in any way.

I am unaccustomed at times with having a penis, and tend to ignore or forget I have one, and am indeed sometimes surprised to see it! I am fascinated with AI pictures of me as a woman, and see it as a path an alternate me could have been happy in. It is what I sometimes look like in my mind. It is not something I wish I was, but something I could have been comfortable being.

Mind you, I am glad to be a biological male! This is mostly because I am lazy and I clearly see how women are traditionally negated and marginalized in society. It’s easier to look like a “dude” and grab the benefits while I can. This makes me a bottomless hypocrite, of course! But being raised a fundamentalist Christian, I can embrace hypocrisy for a greater purpose, even if that purpose is horrible or, at best, disingenuous.

If I were able to match my physical body what I feel like as a being with a “soul”, I would flip between a physical woman and a physical man, including a switch of sexual organs. But I never feel wholly like one or the other, although I could potentially be more comfortable in the form of a woman. 

And let’s face it, some of my habits are too inculcated to switch in my 50s. For instance, I have ALWAYS looked better and felt better in makeup, but I am not inclined to start the daily routine of applying and removing makeup because, again, I am lazy.

Therefore, there is a sharp divide between my external appearance and my internal experience. I do not identify with “maleness” in any social gender forms nor do I wish to.

And this is “queer” both in the literal and more socially acceptable use of the word. I am “other” and have always felt this way. Deep in my bones, I do not feel like a “man” despite the external appearance, which I view as nothing more than another mask I deploy for strategic purposes. I am and feel “Queer”.

VANITY AHOY!

Right now, I am appearing largely “male” because of my beard, which I maintain exclusively for vain purposes; I have an excellent “beard face”, which many people don’t, and I think I look more attractive with one than without. Because I always want to FEEL attractive, I keep it. I am considering how to better show my internal state (my “enby cred”) in the way of something along the lines of dyed hair and eye makeup… something that looks aesthetically pleasing and not off-putting to the world at large. Because I DO adore feeling “pretty” and I like the feeling of being desired by others.

Sexually, I find myself more attracted to women because I understand them so well and feel so safe around them. I have had romantic crushes on men and have indeed experimented with homosexuality in the past , which is how I can definitively say it’s not really for me. There are some men I have had crushes on and would not have minded cuddling or snuggling with, but I am too shy to pursue this and, again, too lazy.

For some reason, I have had a lot of men get crushes on me, but I think it’s because of my femininity. And I am safe to flirt with because I am not going to do anything. If there is anything at all that accurately “describes” me (which nothing really nails), it would, non-jokingly, be describing a “Lesbian.”

For ages, female-born children went largely undiagnosed when it came to Autism. The reason is largely societal and leaned heavily on gender norms. A girl who sits around alone and cries at the drop of a hat? Oh, she’s just a stupid, moody girl. A boy who sits around alone and cries at the drop of a hat? Something is OBVIOUSLY wrong with him and he must be tested!

AN INTERESTING TANGENT

The odd thing is that Autism does display differently between the sexes. Autism in boys has been far more accurately diagnosed because the typical ways that Autism manifests in males has long been the only diagnostic criteria in diagnosing ALL Autism.

Female-at-birth Autistic children display better abilities in reading social queues and “masking” in social situations. Autistic people who are male at birth tend to be far less socially adept… the cliched “nerd” with no social skills and such.

Girls with autism are less repetitive in conversations, have broader areas of play and interest, and are far more able to understand and respond to non-verbal communication. Brain functions associated with motor, language, and visuospatial attention are different between girls and boys with Autism. Autistic girls use more “cognitive process” words such as “think” and “know” compared to Autistic boys.

Why this is, I have no idea. I suspect there is some aspect of societal input here, but I don’t know how much of a play genetics or hormones have in this difference.

In the criteria for diagnosing Autism, I align almost exactly with the list of female Autistic traits. Not so much with the male Autistic traits.  

NON-BINARINESS AND NERODIVERSITY

There is a connection between non-binary identity and neurodiversity. Research psychiatrists are finding that a large number of people who identify as non-binary are also neurodiverse. It’s hard to say which influences which. It’s a chicken/egg situation. I only ever remember being Autistic and feeling like an alien in my own body, like there is a vast distance between me and what I perceive as general humanity, and that I am an anthropologist who is secretly embedded with the apes and am taking notes on the downlow.

This is indicitive of both the Autistic and non-binary experience.

COMMUNICATION

Part of my experience as an Autistic person and non-binary is being “the other” in every social situation I find myself in, no matter how welcoming people are. There is always this separation that only erases when I am with other neurodiverse (or “neurospicy”) people.

A number of studies in communication have been done throughout the decades on the communication skills of Autistic people. It was interesting what they found. Autistic and “normal” people had a hard time communicating with each other. This was long known, and it was assumed that Autistic people just generally cannot communicate.

Finally, some researchers in 2020 used their brains and decided to test this notion by having the Autistic people communicate with other neurodiverse people.

It turns out the Autistic subjects could communicate PERFECTLY with other neurodiverse people. So it wasn’t that “Autistic people can’t communicate”, it’s that there is a literal deep core difference in the thought patterns of neurotypical and neurodiverse people. It seems obvious now, but for decades research into Autism was greatly hampered by not taking into account social beliefs, expectations, and gender normativity. The only rubric for “NORMAL” was neurotypicality.

It was assumed previously that neurodiversity was a disability… a literal handicap that must be overcome and eradicated. This is STILL the predominant attitude of organizations like Autism Speaks, which sees Autism as something that must be eradicated. And they are perfectly willing to use the equivalent of Gay Conversion therapy to do it!

SO HERE I AM

So being “queer” means being different from normal, regarded as odd, strange, suspicious, dubious, or shady to others. I am a stranger wherever I go, even in my own body. I adhere to no accepted quanta of gender identity, and only present maleness because of the unfortunate advantages being male presenting gives me. Inside, I am beautiful, kind, lovely, effervescent, wise, strong, and compassionate.

But I am not a man.