Tag: Satire

ASSASSIN PROBLEMS – From The World of John Wick

On By John d'AndrioleIn Sketches, TV Shows

This dialogue is taken from secret recordings made at THE CONTINENTAL HOTEL as per High Table policy.

CONNOR: I want… no… I NEED Hanuman dead! NOW! Get me…. Hmmmm… get me… THE TWINS!

CERBERUS: The… TWINS, sir?

CONNOR: Yes, Cerebus… the TWINS!

CERBERUS: Are you certain of this, sir?

CONNOR: Are you questioning me on this, Cerebus? I know, the TWINS can be a little messy and freaky, but I want to send out a message to everyone not to FUCK with CONNOR O’CONNOR!

CERBERUS: Well… yes sir… I mean I understand the need to send out a message, but…

CONNOR: Out with it, Cerebus! What is the problem?

CERBERUS: It’s “Cerberus”, sir…

CONNOR: What?

CERBERUS: Never mind, sir…. I do beg your pardon. But there is something that has been on my mind.

CONNOR: What’s the issue. Cerebus?

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WHEN TO INTRODUCE YOUR SEX DUNGEON

On By John d'AndrioleIn Humor, Your Instruction Manual2 Comments

Literally no one has ever asked me when one should introduce their secret Sex Dungeon to the potential boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/nosy parrot.

This is a mistake.

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NON-MONOGAMY AND YOU… OR US… OR WHATEVER

On By John d'AndrioleIn Etc., Humor, Your Instruction Manual

Human sexuality and attachment: it has been going on for well over sixty years and it’s about time someone put a stop to it. It used to be that you would find one random person, pretend it was fate that brought you together, and spend the following decades learning how to see your spouse as the one thing preventing you from being happy.

Ah, the good old days!

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THE INFLUENCE OF NEOPLATONISM, STOICISM, AND THE IDEALS OF JUSTICE IN AUGUSTINE’S “CONFESSIONS”

On By John d'AndrioleIn Humor

Today, I woke up with this weird feeling in my right ear. A ball of earwax dropped down into my ear hole like a pachinko ball into whatever that slot at the bottom is called.

You know. The slot where the metal balls fall and you don’t get a prize, but do get a sense of how much time your are wasting trying to get a prize that is worth a fraction of what you paid to play. Something like a spontaneously-combusting stuffed animal or a plastic keychain that will break the second you stop believing in it.

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I Am Suddenly A Wedding Expert!

On By John d'AndrioleIn Humor, Writing3 Comments

Did you know that I am an expert at weddings?

Did you know that there is no governing body anywhere that regulates who is a wedding expert and there are no set criteria by which to measure one’s expertise at weddings?

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